Don't you just hate spoilers? I do, too. That's why I always try to include warnings. However, I sometimes ramble a bit too much here or there and maybe a few (or many) key plot points slip without me giving proper notice. So I'd like to include a blanket spoiler warning for the weary internet travelers of the world: Here There Be Spoilers. You've been warned.

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

A Live Writing Exercise: Losing the Music In My Head

I used to hear music in my head, but that music is long gone and it depresses me. I can still pick up the guitar and play some kickass riffs, but I'll never be Tony Iommi. I've been playing guitar since I was in the fifth grade and I used to write lyrics all of the time. When I was in the sixth grade I began to write Satanic lyrics because I was big into Marilyn Manson and Slayer at the time as well as bands that were Satanic in general. And holy fuck I just realized I've been typing this whole paragraph without looking at the keyboard.

It wasn't just a rebellion thing, but a thing about feeling like I was a misfit. I knew I was. Elementary school seemed so much easier to me and I crushes on two girls and wasn't sure which one I should pursue or if I should pursue either one. I was stuck with indecision. It was my first introduction to that kind of fear and to date I've only felt that fear twice. But everyone in my class knew me. I was comfortable. Of course, that's the way all elementary school classes are, I guess. And for the record I chose the wrong girl.

I lived away from almost everyone else, though. I didn't hang out with others even though I wanted to. It was inconvenient.

Middle school was different for me. I was afraid of people then. Maybe not in the outright Copycat-Sigourney Weaver type of afraid, but I was afraid. My biggest fear was of myself. I was changing and knew I was changing, but I wasn't sure what I changing into.

I was no longer one of the more straight-laced kids. Sure, I was still a fairly nice guy, but I was into heavy metal and anime and I no longer knew how to get along with anyone. I grew up with a sort of religious-based mindset and was not comfortable with going against it. Listening to Satanic metal was soothing in a way I couldn't describe, but I had a constant voice in my head telling "This is wrong." If I had a split personalities my other probably would have been Tim Tebow while I would have been Marilyn Manson.

I never fought anyone in school because I didn't want to fight. I didn't want to do anything at school other than fade into the walls. Insecure wasn't quite the word for it. Frozen was.

The shadows of parents (not necessarily just mine). Teachers. Classmates who remembered me as being one of the aces. (Elementary school was the last time I made all A's.) The old next door neighbors that went to church every Sunday. Conflicting ideologies in my head. All of them weighed heavily on my mind and I was letting the possible judgements of others affect me. I wasn't hanging out with other people after school and I hated it, but I felt emotionally crippled. I couldn't approach someone without breaking into an intense sweat.

I wanted, more than anything, to play guitar. I mean, real guitar on a stage. Writing was a passion, but guitar playing was for me, too. I wanted to create a riff that could sway a room. I wanted to write lyrics that could convey my emotions. Writing things down was the only way I could really speak. Playing that Eb note told you all about my day.

By the time I reached high school I was completely frozen between the things I wanted to do versus the likelihood of them actually making me successful. I was either maturing or deliberately sabotaging my dreams. Sometimes I think they are the same thing. Silent and invisible judgements loomed large on me. Not to mention, that I honestly had no fucking idea what I was going to do. Do? Money? What the fuck? I'm not going to sell myself for something!

I was frozen between wanting to make friendships and wanting to not even be acknowledged. I was starting to become comfortable with being alone, but didn't know if that should be acceptable. I was editing my own life to make it convenient for others to read.

I liked talking, but I always tried to stay quiet in a crowded classroom. Sometimes I'd pretend to be asleep to avoid conversations. Frozen with indecision.

I tried to get into a college and when the financial aid dropped me before the semester could even start I didn't bother because while I thought I might hack it as a teacher I knew I wasn't mentally ready for something like that. I couldn't just make up a dream out of nowhere. There were no other convictions I had held onto for longer other than playing the guitar and writing those lyrics.

If I had gone for being a teacher at that time I would not have been a good one. I can barely teach someone how to cook a burger. Dealing with kids or teenagers? God, I don't know where I got that idea from. Actually, I do. It was a suggestion from a friend. I was waging my future on a friend's suggestion rather than my own passions.

It's a good thing I didn't start being a teacher then. Especially when I still have so much to learn about life. I'm not ready to be responsible for the knowledge of someone else. Sure, I could phone it in like I do at my current job, but that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about passion.

Passion. Passion. Passion. Of all of the jobs that require it being a teacher is one of them. Being a step in bringing the new generation into the future is a huge responsibility. If I did something like that now I'd fuck someone up for good. Someone else's young brain shouldn't be exposed to my frustrations.

Just today I picked up the guitar and tried to create as many new riffs as I could, but none of them were riffs I remember from when I heard music in my head. They were good and I was surprised by myself, but they weren't the riffs that made me want to get my emotions across. I was phoning it in at a time that felt sacrilegious to me.

I sell burgers. I could substitute that with just about anything, but it goes back to passion for me. It isn't what I am and it doesn't define me. Money is important, but it isn't my purpose. I live with my parents, try to buy my share of the groceries, do my laundry, and do what I can for my car. I try not to be a burden.

Whenever I get an apartment I'll probably think differently. I know when I have got it made. I know the money I've been saving up will go away in a flash once the real bills show up. And bullshit like insurance. Money probably is the be-all, end-all. People sell themselves everyday for it in one way or the other. I guess I'm not really different. God is on the dollar bill for a reason, I guess.

It's just about what you are getting in return. That's the important thing.

So far I've yet to get a real return on my investment.

Guess I'll just keep trudging on, watching that anime, and trying to re-discover some riffs. That band is waiting. That bestseller is waiting. The dream.

I'll find it somehow. I just hope I can do something with it once I do.

This has been an exercise in live writing, I needed the ramble.

1 comment:

  1. It's time to start thinking of a new job. You may not realize it, but you are in a great position to job hunt. Most people that are looking for jobs are unemployed and desperate and need the first thing they can get. You on the other hand, have a steady job and that gives you time to find something that's right for you. I suggest that you start applying at some of the companies that have some decent paying jobs and benefits. Some of these places may take a couple of months to get back to you so since you are already employed, you have some time. Try the power plant, UPS, FedEx and look for county or city jobs. Start looking and don't tell anyone at work what you are doing. You are in a good position right now. It's much easier to find something now than when you are desperate. You're in a good position to be picky.