2016 In A Nutshell

How have you been? I have been quiet this year. Quite quiet. I try to be genuine on my blog since it is usually the only place I feel I can be genuine, but I suppose that I just couldn't spitball and shoot jokes off the cuff like I used to for a good while. I couldn't review much of anything because I could not focus. I could not focus because my mind had drifted off elsewhere. 

In a sense 2016 has been a very dark period for me. 

But I suppose everyone gets a good fall every now and then and getting up is hard sometimes. 

As a person I am an introvert. I try to use humor to make my interactions with other people easier, but when I'm not feeling funny I am a dreadful bore to be around. Unpleasant, even. I just want to be left alone and by myself most of the time. And when I do want company I am unsure and afraid of trying to ask for it. 

I suppose everyone is their own worst critic, but I am truly my own worst enemy. 

I think the reason it was so hard for me to recover this year was because I stood in my own way. I do many things the right way and still tell myself something is still wrong. Which they are because no one is perfect, but sometimes saying that isn't good enough. 

But when I really do something wrong like trusting the wrong people my self-criticism is pretty much crippling. 

I fell short of my standards this year. Far short. 

But... I wouldn't allow myself to get back up and that made things even worse. 

As of this writing, I've pretty much regained my inner zen. I am fine. As long as I stay within my safe haven. 

If I can just avoid the users and abusers of this world I will stay fine. Of course, I cannot avoid evil people completely, but I can limit my contact and touch with them. 

A few months ago there was a new hire at the company I work at, but he did not work there long. He murdered somebody. I saw it on the news. He was an 18 year old kid I had seen only a few hours at work before he did his deed. I told him to wash his dishes and then go on home, but he did not go home. He went somewhere, but not home, I imagine. In the early hours of the day he killed someone and it was clearly not in defense. 

I saw him on the news, contradicting himself as the cameras were held to his face. The police escorting him made the mistake of taking to the wrong car and so the murderer got to have even more camera time where he talked and talked about just casually killing someone in his ghetto-talk. 

Obviously, he lost his job after his 15 minutes of fame. 

I knew he was a piece of shit from the get-go, but even then I didn't quite think he was a murderer. Still, I've worked with seedy people before and I know I work with some thieves at this very moment. It's scary. Very scary. Still, to have worked with a murderer is shocking. 

People like that are the reason I just shut myself off and stick to anime and manga and music and movies. 

And that very thought is what got me back on my feet again. Interactions just are not my thing, it seems. I got burned this year by two people. Burned bad and I did not know how to handle it. They were not murderers or anything like that, but they were abusers of trust. 

It was my fault for associating with them, but I've learned my lesson. I know what people are capable of now. To quote Dr. Cox from Scrubs, "People are bastard-coated bastards with bastard filling."

I'm standing on my own two feet again and I am happy to be focused again. I may not sound happy, but I am. 

I am very glad 2016 is coming to an end. I am hoping 2017 won't be a bastard, but I am learning quickly how to handle bastards. 

I apologize if this entry sounded bleak or cryptic. Christmas is almost upon us and I am feeling festive, but I also know that my mother is sick right now. There's no tree for us this year. Probably not any gifts, either. And there are some rotten people in this world stealing money from people that trust them and they get away with it. 

And Goddamn it, if Donald Trump is president-elect....

This world can seem so beautiful, but it's hard to think it isn't completely wicked, too.

Cheers.