Don't you just hate spoilers? I do, too. That's why I always try to include warnings. However, I sometimes ramble a bit too much here or there and maybe a few (or many) key plot points slip without me giving proper notice. So I'd like to include a blanket spoiler warning for the weary internet travelers of the world: Here There Be Spoilers. You've been warned.

Monday, May 27, 2013

Movies I Will Never See

There are tons and tons of movies I want to see that I've never seen before. Some of those movies are ones that have never been made before and if I had the time and money and the talent then I'd love to make them myself. But I don't so I have to depend on the talents of others. And some people are very talented even though they may make a poor choice here and there. Greats like Al Pacino, Robert De Niro, John Wayne,  Marlon Brando, and Clint Eastwood have all been in clunkers. But I'm willing to watch one of their clunkers because I'm one of those weird completist kind of guys. I get in a kick to watch an Eastwood movie and I'll end up watching an entire slew of Eastwood movies in a row over a period of weeks or months. 

This particular blog entry doesn't concern any of the guys I just mentioned, but it is something to bear in mind. I will watch terrible films from time to time. Ever seen Plan 9 from Outer Space? Don't. Go watch The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra instead. But if you must then be sure to see how they cycle the same Bela Lugosi footage over and over. It's either hilarious or incredibly sad and insulting. Maybe both. Ever watch Waterworld? It's no Mad Max and I hated it when I first saw it, but now I do like it a bit more. Waterworld still sucks compared to many movies, but it's an okay kind of suck. I enjoy it more than I enjoy the average Vin Diesel movie, that's for sure. Although I will watch a Diesel flick from time to time. I like his Riddick movies. 

While I try to keep a lot of the cinematic trash I watch to a minimum, I still say that I am willing to watch some trash every now and then for reasons that might not be particularly healthy. 

However, even though I am normally willing to watch almost any movie once there are still a few films that I refuse to watch.... without having seen them. Pauly Shore comes to mind here. Sort of. Why? Well, why the hell would I watch a Pauly Shore movie? I watched half of In The Army Now and that was enough. He doesn't resonate with me at all. He's not intelligent enough to be funny and not relevant enough to me for me to dislike him. Instead I nothing him. That's right. I nothing him. Watching a Pauly Shore movie is like staring at a wall. It kills time, but there's no point in doing it when I could be doing something that will actually encourage a reaction from myself. Good or bad. 

And this is where I get to the issue of this blog entry.

There is one particular movie that I refuse to watch. I wouldn't buy it if it was free because I don't want it in my collection. I don't want to know who was in it. I don't want to know anything about the movie and I want to forget it ever happened. If someone told me to borrow their copy I would be insulted to discover that I know someone who has a copy of the movie. 

Normally, you would never hear such a polarizing statement come from me so allow me to elucidate. 

I am a huge Dragonball and Dragonball Z fan. I collected the toys and the tapes that only had three episodes on 'em. I got posters and shirts and even a keychain. I got some collector's playing cards somewhere. I also used to draw pretty much all of the characters and I've still got those and I know I still have a few Beckett DBZ magazines somewhere. 

I know the show by heart, really. 

So when I first heard that Dragonball Evolution was going to be made I was sort of cautious about it. Very cautious. But it wasn't until I saw how the character Goku looked that I knew I would never see this movie. It was just a simple gut-reaction and nothing I've heard or thought about it since has made me rethink that initial reaction. In fact, I would gladly watch any Pauly Shore movie or go through an entire marathon of Pauly Shore movies before I watch Dragonball Evolution. It's just not ever happening. 

And I know it sounds very elitist to say I will never watch a film I've never seen. It could very well surprise me, right? Maybe I'm missing out on something. 

But I guess everybody has a line that they don't want crossed. This is mine. I know that if I do watch I will hate it intensely and be embarrassed that other people actually watched this, most of 'em passing it off as an indictment on anime in general while the others ran home and cried bloody murder on their favorite anime message boards. I don't want to justify one side or give voice to the other (and I'd be one of those others, I'm afraid... even though I really don't frequent anime boards) so I'd like to remain happily neutral and just never see this movie. Ever. 

Maybe a good live action movie can be done from material like Dragonball. I think Tarantino could if his Kill Bill movies are any indication. J.J. Abrams or Peter Jackson probably could, too. Maybe Ang Lee could, but I remember how he mangled Hulk so I don't know. It would take a lot of vision and balls (literally: you'll get the joke if you know the show) and a willingness to really go for it. The goal has to be to make the story come to life and I think there are very few that can do that. 

But this fake trailer looks better than the real trailer for Dragonball Evolution so somebody must be capable of it. 

But I'm a realist. A decent adaptation isn't going to happen because the ratio of anime-to-live action films in America being a success is a pitiful one. Even anime itself isn't that big here and theatrical anime movies shown here are rare. Successes even rarer. Cowboy Bebop, Pokemon, Yu-Gi-Oh, and Digimon had their animated theatrical movies in America, but only one of those are really are worth watching or owning. The others are okay for kids or maybe for a die hard, but certainly not for mainstream appeal. 

So if I want anything resembling a faithful anime adaptation than I got to stick with the Japanese live action movies. Oddly enough, I don't think there are any Dragonball adaptations from Japan just yet. 

Another film I don't think I ever want to see is The Last Airbender. I don't particularly like the show (because I haven't seen it), but M. Night Shyamalan has been on a downward spiral and nothing I've heard about The Last Airbender has made me think that maybe he's finally gotten out of his slump. Maybe that new film with Will Smith called After Earth is a slight return to his The Sixth Sense days of being kinda good, but I have my doubts. 

At any rate, these are some films I won't watch. I hope you have been able to tolerate my nerdiness. Next post will probably be less nerdy. 

1 comment:

  1. Pauly Shore is the least funny guy ever. I never understood the appeal. He got popular for a little while from some MTV show he had but I never understood.

    Tom Green was another one. I think I laughed the first couple of times I saw him but then it got really old, really fast. I'm not a big fan of the comedians that think being an asshole is funny. There is a fine line, some can be funny but they tend to get old fast. Borat for example. I thought Borat was funny for a while but I tired of that quickly. I never saw the appeal of Howard Stern either. Being an asshole can be funny in small doses but I can't take the guys that are assholes 24/7 and think they are funny.