Don't you just hate spoilers? I do, too. That's why I always try to include warnings. However, I sometimes ramble a bit too much here or there and maybe a few (or many) key plot points slip without me giving proper notice. So I'd like to include a blanket spoiler warning for the weary internet travelers of the world: Here There Be Spoilers. You've been warned.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Genital Grinder by Ryan Harding

Okay, first off lemme get a few things out of the way: A) Yes, I realize the title of the story is gross and the cover art is also gross, B) I've never heard of the author before a week ago, and C) Why yes, this is an extreme horror novel. Wonder what could give that away?

Chances are that if you don't normally read stuff like this then you won't read stuff like this after you see the cover. 

But I'll be the first to admit that shock titles do intrigue me. Most 'em aren't that great unless it's your bag and you naturally just like these books. One can't simply convert normal folks to read books entitled Super Fetus or Cannibals of Candyland. Surprised, right? 

But there were three things that sort of convinced to buy this book and read it. The first was that I don't mind reading extremely wet horror every now and then and it had been a long while since I've read anything *ahem* without much class. The second was that I saw that Bryan Smith was reading it and asked him if it was any good. He said it was alright and I said okey dokey and bought the thing. 

But the final thing that made me read this book from cover to cover was that the stories were actually good and that Mr. Harding has some talent. This book and its seven stories actually made me laugh my butt off at times in ways that made me feel like I haven't laughed in forever. Which is sort of the truth. 

Okay, well, not all of the stories are funny. In fact, even the ones that generated laughs from me were seriously gross and violent (again, what gave that away?). If I never read about someone getting their dick sliced with a cheese grater or about a man loading up a fetid corpse with his "ball sauce" ever again then I think I'll be just fine. 

But... I knew what I was getting into and I brought my iron stomach and I feel I was rewarded for all of my near-retches. 

The stories are:

Damaged Goods
Sharing Needles
Genital Grinder: A Snuff Act in Five Acts
Genital Grinder II: Dis-Membered
First Indications (although it also says the title "Final Indications" so I have no idea which one it really is)

Three of these stories feature characters by the name of Von and Greg and they just happen to be two moronic psychopaths, sadists, and all manner of screwed up human beings. But, strangely enough, I found them to be kind of endearing by the time I made it to their third outing in this book. 

I think that stories like "First Indications" and "Sharing Needles" are pretty decent efforts at what is the closest to restrained horror in this book. They really stood out to me because they were that different. I suppose the same could be said of "Emissary" as well. 

"Development" is sort of One Hour Photo-ish with a sort of reverse role-playing. What if you discovered some bad things while you were developing a man's film and decided to blackmail him into letting you play in his basement funland?

"Damaged Goods" and the two title stories are by far the most depraved of this collection, but the second title story is the one I found the funniest. In "Dis-Membered," Von and Greg decide to steal a rich man's penis and ransom it back to his wife for three million dollars, but the mission goes haywire when they discover they've stolen the wrong man's penis and that the newly penis-less man is very pissed off and coming after them. 

Fun for the whole family, really. 

You should buy this collection. 

P.S. - The title of this collection comes from the name of a song by Carcass, but it certainly fits this collection.


  1. Do they sell this in the romance section?

    That is quite a cover. I think my favorite titles are "Sharing Needles" and "Genital Grinder II: Dis-Membermed"

    1. Yep, it's in the romance section right next to Donald Trump's tell-all about his sex life. Can't miss it.

      It's actually only available online on Amazon, as far as I know. Deadite Press uses a lot of brutal covers and some of them are good (or at least decent), but the ones like these make me not want to touch it while I'm reading it.

      But it's pretty darn eye-catching, that's for sure. It just screams "subtlety." And I suppose it could be a lot worse given the subject matter the artist had to work with.

  2. You forgot to mention the 8th story called "Genital Grinder III; Alabama vs Arkansas."